Moving forward…not on, but forward….

To date, blog entry #3 (Grief and all that jazz…) was the most emotional and hardest to write. I’m telling you this because I think it’s important that you know that these experiences have substantially changed my, and our, lives. Even though we are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of our second child’s passing, it is still incredibly emotional and I find myself on that rollercoaster every now and again (like the night I write said post). Hopefully, you will find this post much lighter and easier to read (I’m also hoping to be able to get through it without crying).

Before I can even begin to think about the healing process following baby #2, I must thank some very key people. I won’t name anyone by name, but I don’t know that I have ever personally thanked each and every one of the people that made it possible to heal.

To my husband, the most loving man I know – You are my rock and I don’t know how I could have done it without you! We not only created this child together, but also lived through its passing, and came out on the other end a stronger team. You convinced me that life was still worth living and helped me renew my faith. For that, I am eternally grateful. You are my partner in everything and I wouldn’t have God’s most precious gift without you. Also, I wouldn’t have a guardian angel without you either….I love you!

To Harper, my most beautiful gift – You are the reason I breathe and the reason I kept going when I felt like giving up. You put a smile on my face when there were tears in my eyes and love in my heart when it was heavy. You put a spring in my step when my feet didn’t want to leave the ground and never left my side when I was convinced I needed to be alone. You will always be my miracle baby and I’ll love you forever.

To my grandmother, a woman who survived three miscarriages and can still talk about it – To date, you are one of the only people that has been open enough to discuss these losses with me. You let me cry and be angry, all the while telling me that “This too shall pass”. Thank you. I love you a bushel and a peck!

To my family – Thank you for understanding when I didn’t want to leave the house or answer your phone calls. You were never angry, but VERY patient!

To my best friend – You heard the most of it….and still love me! You were my shoulder to cry on and my punching bag for when I was angry. You truly are the BEST!

To my dear work friends – You are some of the kindest people I know and I never have to worry about crying on your shoulders; you are always there. You made it easier to come back to work. Knowing I had listening ears waiting for me made the days following baby #2 bearable.

To my boss, a caring woman who never blinked at the time I needed to take off to heal – Thank you for allowing me to worry about me, and not work. Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on, if needed, and for offering me as much time as I needed.

To anyone who offered condolences, kind words, and sent prayers – You truly are a blessing to my life and I can’t thank you enough for thinking of my family in their time of need!

Now is as good a time as any to admit that I didn’t make it through any of the above without crying. Eh….I guess I’m feeling emotional tonight. I PROMISE the following will be much lighter (Well, I’ll do my best, at least).

Now, on to life after baby #2, loss #1….

Once I had made my peace with the loss of baby #2, life pretty much continued as normal. However, there was this tiny hole in my heart that was only filled by the thoughts of my beautiful child in Heaven.

Because our pregnancy was a quick one, we never told Harper that she was going to be a big sister. This made it a lot easier in the days following the loss of baby #2 because she didn’t have any questions that were difficult to answer. However, we have a very strong and sensitive child, who knew something wasn’t right. She never left my side and would spend hours sitting on the couch with me, completely content to just sit. For a child who had never sat still from the minute she was born, that was saying a lot. I loved that, with her, I didn’t have to talk. She was the one person in my life that didn’t want to talk about how I was feeling, offer condolences, or ask countless questions about how this could have happened. I owe a lot to that sweet little one and a half year old because, in reality, her silence gave me the time to reflect and heal.

But, I digress. On to the reason I am writing….moving forward. I realized early on in the healing process that I would never move on. I think that’s important for any woman who has been through a similar situation to realize….you will never move on. You will only move forward. And, that’s what I did. I moved forward with my life. For a few short weeks, life passed me by. It didn’t care that I was wallowing in self-pity and had no motivation. My life was still moving at the same speed it always had and I was missing most of it. So, I vowed to move forward with it. All the while, I never forgot our sweet baby #2.

Following baby #2, as a family, we were as strong as ever. Our faith was renewed and our marriage was rock solid. My husband and I really found each other following that baby. We had no one else to rely on but each other and we made sure to do so. Although we had always known that our precious Harper was a gift, we didn’t cherish the little things the way we did following baby #2. Instead of coming home and making dinner alone, I would include her in the process. Instead of standing at the sink staring blankly out the window while I did dishes, I would talk to her. Instead of grading papers while she was playing, I would play with her and grade after she went to bed. Not that we weren’t in tune with parenting before, but it always seemed that we were so busy and sometimes, if I’m being honest, Harper didn’t get the attention she deserved. Following that fateful day in February, Mike and I vowed to cherish each day with her and not let a moment slip past where we didn’t tell her how much we loved her.

We celebrated the holidays, big and small following the loss of our second baby: St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, our anniversary, Mother’s Day, and of course, Harper’s 2^nd Birthday. Harper’s 2^nd Birthday, to me, was even more special than her 1^st, given what we had lost in the meantime. We didn’t do it up as big as her 1^st, but we definitely did it in style. We celebrated with family and friends at our home, and boy, did that child get spoiled (mostly by us, but hey….she was our only one at the moment! Why not?!)! I think it’s safe to say that the adults had more fun putting together all the cool stuff that we didn’t get to play with as children, than Harper did actually playing with it. Her party was a success and, at the end of the day, we had a beautiful two year old sleeping soundly in her bed.

Guess what decided to creep up on me the night of Harper’s 2^nd birthday, precisely at 8:48 P.M? Ding, ding, ding…you guessed it - that ever present itch for more children. However, this time I was a bit more cautious, given everything my family had endured the past few months. Mike and I started discussing the idea of more children and leaving it up to God once again. Our doctor assured us that it was completely safe to start trying again. Well, not “trying” because we said we didn’t want to “try”, but not preventing either.

In the meantime, we also celebrated birthdays big and small as well as Father’s Day. And, of course, my favorite holiday: Fourth of July…stay tuned for more on that weekend in my next post (you won’t want to miss it)!

Thanks, once again, for reading!