Ah, the holidays…an Aguirre family favorite! Each one of us
dives in head first with holiday spirit! The house gets decorated Thanksgiving
day after the meal has been prepared and eaten, and the guests returned to
their cozy homes. We literally spend ALL night preparing Casa de Aguirre for
Christmas, just to retire to bed late and get up early for the best day of the
year, BLACK FRIDAY (Call me crazy, I actually look forward to the madhouse that
ensues that cold, Friday morning each year)!! The holidays were in full swing
with family parties and get togethers with friends. All the while, I was
creeping (or so it seemed) along in my pregnancy. We were blissfully happy and
preparing for another holiday season with our miracle and Baby#4 on the way.
Why am I telling you all of this, you may ask?! Well,
because the holidays are an incredibly important part of our story. When I last
left you, I relayed the story of our most recent ultrasound in December.
Because we were given a clean bill of health for Baby#4 and a VERY strong
heartbeat, we decided the time had come to finally announce to our extended
family and friends that we were expecting, and this time all was well in our
pregnancy (it didn’t hurt that I was starting to develop a fondness for all
food in sight and a slight pregnancy stomach). We had family photos taken for
Christmas cards and had planned to use them. However, there was a VERY special
photo we were planning to include as well.
Harper was aware of the little bundle of joy growing within
my body and would spend time each day “bonding” with baby. She would pretend
her baby dolls were our baby and tell me each day, countless times, that she
thought Baby#4 was a boy, wait a girl, no a boy. She couldn’t decide whether
she wanted a brother or sister. She would tell us Baby#4 was a girl but turn
around in the same breath tell us she wanted a baby brother, and vice versa. It
was ADORABLE with a capital A. Each night before bed, she would pray for mommy,
daddy, Harper, and Baby before kissing my stomach and telling Baby#4 that she
loved him/her.
Back to the photo….we had decided to take a picture of
Harper underneath our Christmas tree (as we had done previous Christmases with
her) holding our latest ultrasound photo and release our exciting news that
way. We included some of our professional shots along with the most precious photo
we had ever seen as well and a message announcing our good news.
As you can imagine, given our previous experiences, our
family and friends were over the moon for us and couldn’t wait for another baby
to love and spoil. This would finally mark the second grandchild on each side
after difficult months spent trying and greiving, and the 75th
member of Mike’s extended family.
As I shopped one pre-Christmas day, I decided to carry on
some of our annual traditions for Baby#4. Why not start now?! I bought pajamas
to unwrap with our Christmas Eve pajamas (a set of “I Love Daddy” and a set of “I
Love Mommy”), a package of diapers to put in our “Santa box” (we all get
undergarments from Santa), and an incredibly soft and beautiful gender neutral
blanket for Daddy to unwrap. Harper also received a picture frame that read “Me
and My Big Sister” from Baby#4. I could not wait for Mike and Harper to unwrap
the “surprises” that awaited them from and for Baby#4.
It was a glorious Christmas season and all of my surprises
were met with shock and happiness, as I was hoping they would be. We enjoyed
our time with family and friends, and especially enjoyed our time as a new
family of four. I was beginning to show, as by Christmas I was pushing 10
weeks, and blissfully enjoying my pregnant status, completely unaware of what
lie ahead of me.
After a much needed Christmas break, I returned to work on
January 3, 2012, ready for the New Year and all it could throw at me. I was
finally overcoming the first trimester nuances: nausea, morning sickness,
extreme lack of energy, etc. and excited to be back to my daily grind. I also
was getting a new addition to my classroom: a student from the Tech Center who
would be with me for six weeks. She was also a close family friend and what I
consider my little sister (I literally remember the day she was born and spent
the first three years of her life with her as much as possible).
We had another routine appointment scheduled for Tuesday,
January 10, 2012. I asked Mike the night before if he could get out of work
early to accompany me to the doctor’s office. I wanted nothing other than for
him to be there. I had no worries or fears about this appointment. We were, at
that point, just days shy of the end of our first trimester. So I left as soon
as school let out and Mike met me at home with Harper, ready to go. We enjoyed
our ride to the office, laughing and singing with Harper in the back seat.
We arrived, as always, 15 minutes prior to our appointment time
and were taken back to a room promptly. The normal routine was followed: blood
pressure, pulse, pee in a cup. And then the doctor came in. She measured the
position of my uterus and felt around my stomach. Then she pulled out the Doppler
(device used to hear baby’s heartbeat). As she moved the wand around my abdomen
I suddenly realized how quiet the room was. My doctor’s face gave EVERYthing
away….no heartbeat…
Because she spent a considerable amount of time TRYING to
find a heartbeat and we were all certain that the baby was just really good at
hide and seek, she ordered an ultrasound. For the record, I was a hot mess as
soon as she told me she couldn’t find Baby#4’s heartbeat. My shoulders were
heaving, my eyes were filled with tears, and I was about 30 seconds away from
wailing. Mike was sharing in my terror and fear. Harper was terrified because
both he and I were crying uncontrollably.
We were fit in for an emergency ultrasound that confirmed
our worst fears: a heartbeat could not be found for Baby#4. As I have said
before, I am an eternal optimist so I was willing Nicole, the ultrasound tech,
to find a heartbeat and God to start up a heart that was no longer beating. I
was let down, once again. No amount of description could convey the feelings of
the loss of ANOTHER baby in less than a year, a baby who was healthy just a few
weeks ago.
I stand corrected. February 17, 2011 was not the worst day
of my life; January 10, 2012 was….
Stay tuned for grieving process #3 and some heartbreaking
discoveries. Thanks again for reading!
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